THE NEWER ZEALAND
Infamous LRA leader Joseph Kony was sighted this morning in the sleepy New Zealand town of Westport. A US defense official released the following statement:
“After spending three days in the New Zealand town of Westport, we believe that Joseph Kony has been punished enough. As if the inhabitants of Westport themselves were not sufficiently awful, the torrential rain and mutant sandflies ensure that Westport is truly hell on Earth. In fact, we are considering relocating Kony to a more hospitable environment - I wouldn’t wish that place on my worst enemy.”
The New Zealand motion picture industry is overseen by an organisation called the New Zealand Film Commission (NZFC). This group is responsible for the design, production and distribution of a vast number of faux posters and other print media, in order to disingenuously enhance New Zealand’s international reputation as a film making Mecca.
For those aware of the NZFC’s fake propaganda, it is fairly easy to spot a poster for a non-existent film. Be wary of advertisements for films that that:
- Are based on blatantly unbelievable premises (a yellow mini is capable of driving the length of the country; Michael J. Fox lives in Lyttleton; a man needs to tell his wife twice that his friend requires eggs).
- Star Sam Neill.
- Feature more than seven cast and crew members.
- Cast Sam Neill in a supporting role.
Examples of obvious fakes:
(Tell-tale sign: No one would ever visit Invercargill in real-life, let alone in a so-called “classic buddy road movie”)
(Tell-tale sign: title is “Boy”)
Despite all of this, New Zealand has in fact produced three films - the now internationally acclaimed Lord of the Rings trilogy. Lord of the Rings DVD and merchandise sales, sight-seeing tours and pornographic spin-offs now make up a substantial percentage of the New Zealand GDP (though still less than bungee jumping and sheepskin products).
New Zealand’s national census was last conducted by Statistics New Zealand in 2006. It uncovered all sorts of interesting stuff about the citizens of New Zealand, namely:
- There are a number of aspiring Jedi.
- Old people are racist.
- Nobody can afford a house in Auckland.
- Unemployment rates are particularly high in the 0-4 year old age bracket.
Most importantly though, the census revealed the official population of New Zealand, which (as of 2006) was determined to be 7.
A wise man once loved the word serenity.
How’s the serenity?
… he was known to exclaim.
Well, he wasn’t even referring to New Zealand. He was talking about Bonnie Doon. Bonnie Doon has a rail trail, and used to have an Aussie rules team. The post office opened in 1866 and it has a population of 755. Despite all that, however, in the hustle and bustle of our modern world it remains hard to find a place as serene as Aotearoa.
While living in Los Angeles, I recently overheard a young man discussing the advantages of exploring the complex customs of our fellow humans; of enjoying the beauty and diversity of our multi-cultural planet. To be more precise, he said:
Learning about cultures?! Fuck that!
I was touched by this eloquent young gentleman. I realised that what this world really needed was a blog devoted to dispelling the myths and educating the public about our great, and tiny, island nation.
And so it brings me great joy to introduce you to our distant land; a land of plenty, of the long white cloud… a land of mediocrely attractive women, and a land where the sheep and cattlebeast still rule the plains and outnumber their masters 900:1.
Yes, it is Newer Zealand. Newer than Old Zealand, and more up to date than the Fall Zealand fashion line.
So read on, dear traveller. Do what my creatine slurping, Land Rover revving, hair gel guzzling friend could not. Embrace the diversity, the contradictions, the irregularities, the discordance, the melting pot, the potpourri, and the mishmash that is humanity. Let your imagination run amuck as you browse this compilation of facts about my wonderful birthplace. And most importantly, stay curious. Never take this planet of ours for granted, and explore with all your inner child.
Except Bonnie Doon. Avoid that arid shithole like the plague.
